I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
