Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
