I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
