I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize