a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
