Plan B is the new Plan A
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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