i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
