How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
