We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
