just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
