i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize