Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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