the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
