So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
