My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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