I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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