you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
