I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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