yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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