I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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