Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
