2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
