I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
