a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
