im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I licked your asshole in confidence.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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