I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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