normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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