im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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