he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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