I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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