apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
