i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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