The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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