i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize