I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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