Someone shit on the floor
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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