my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
