Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize