mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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