What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
