I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
