Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
