At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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