just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
