just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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