I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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