I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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