made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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