Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
