apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
