when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
