Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
