Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
