So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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