Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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