i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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