You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
