I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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