I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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