i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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