you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
