how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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