I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize