Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
