The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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