I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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