The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
