Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
